5th October 2008 Fabulous or Failure?

There's such a fine line between being fabulous and being a failure, this week the latter seemed a very appealing cushion to fall on.
"Its the lot of a creative person", i heard at a dinner party last night, "to lurch with tortured madness between euphoria and despair. "
I resemble that remark. I didn't say so of course, wanting the more fabulous version of myself to be on display for all to see but the comment hit a nerve. I am the master of the brave face but its slipping.

I'm not ungrateful. Nobody died, I'm not ill like my poor old dad, my children are healthy and lovely people. I'm loved by a wonderful man. I'm thankful that after 39 years i have finally plucked up the courage to stick myself out there and see what the world thinks of me. I'm thankful for my talent, to the point that i look at my work sometimes and wonder if someone else snuck in and drew the picture while i wasn't looking, as i truly have no idea how i manage it.
So you'd think that with all the great opportunities I've had come my way since i began showing my art & photography that I'd cut out the self pity and feel lucky.
Well, if i had a pound for every time I've been told how talented i am, i would.
I'd stop shivering and go and put the heating on, which i currently cant afford to run. I might jump into my car, which is only running on loyalty now as i can't afford to put petrol in it and zoom down to shops to buy my children some actual real food.

That fact is I'm scared to death that, actually I've stupidly blown all my savings setting up a studio and am risking my children's security on a mere pointless dream, that after all I'm not destined to skip merrily into the wonderful world of art and onto my space on the wall next to Jack Vettriano. Failure NOT fabulous??
Watch this space..............................................